I had an epiphany this morning while on a call with an American friend. We were catching up on our respective lives and what they look like on the cusp of our early 60s, a time when the script for life is supposed to be written, but somehow isn’t for so many. I shared about my newfound freedom, and what is for me a balanced life, but one that is still missing some zest. She shared about being chained to her work, driving hard running a company with no time for the meaningful engagement with people and having adventurous experiences she so desires. With our connection rekindled, by the time we hung up, she wasn’t just planning a trip to Australia; she was buying time for a deeper experience. She even committed to taking three weeks instead of two, and declared boldly the influence she hoped the trip would have on her soul, far beyond ticking off another item on a “to-do” list.
Her intentionality hit me like a splash of cold water. It prompted me to ask the big questions that many of us in this stage of life quietly wrestle with:
- In what ways is my life on autopilot?
- What choices am I actually making, and how many are simply habits I’ve inherited?
- How much of my current concerns are purely future-focused—like resisting retirement—and how folly is this in the disruptive era we are experiencing?
- How much am I actually investing in my well-lived life today?
It occurred to me that defining what a “good life” looks like requires a few critically important things. It demands the ability to look critically at “what’s so now” and hold it up against “what would be ideal.” It also requires a heavy dose of honesty.
The Mirror of Others’ Lives
So, as I’ve been reflecting on this lately, I have encountered several people who are, in their own unique ways, leaning into the now, living a designed life.
There’s Richard, a friend who at 63 seems to be purely focused on the present moment. His energy is infectious. While he could be doing many things given his background, experience and diverse set of skills and qualifications (outdoor education, several higher degrees, military experience) he’s currently skippering a boat at an eco-reserve in New Zealand, partaking of learning opportunities while engaging with the people, all filling his cup and ensuring a well-lived life now. He’s choosing at this stage of life to embrace a simple job that feeds his energy.
There is my incredible 94-year-old mother who was a business owner and later a middle east journalist for a lengthy period. She too has a life rich in experience, and understanding of how the world works. She’s also a mother that greatly influenced my commitment to living life fully. After a recent hip surgery she declared with absolute certainty that the procedure would “buy her another ten years of good living!” That is not an acceptance of decline; that is a radical commitment to a longer, better life.
At the other end of the spectrum, other American friends are subject to the reality of living in a challenging political milieu, their lives coloured by an altered reality. Valid as it is to ‘blame’ the circumstances, they don’t experience a sense of ‘agency’ in their lives, plodding along in their respective work and family lives. I juxtaposed their strain and stress against my own, and the question became clear: What are the real differences in what we choose to help guide how we are living our lives?
Ultimately, the lives of these people show us that the only real difference is a conscious decision to stop living by default and start living by design, seeking opportunity in the circumstances and reclaiming joy.
“The medium of a book (and reading) tells us several things. Firstly, that life is complex, and if you want understand it, you have to set aside a fair bit of time to reflect on it. You need to slow down. Secondly, there is value in leaving behind your other concerns and narrowing your attention to one thing – the sentence, the page. Thirdly, it is worth thinking deeply about how others live their lives.” – Stolen Focus, Johann Hari
The Keys to Balance: A Life by Design
If we’re going to design a life, not just inherit one, we need to implement a personal strategy. What I’ve found most critical in the search for balance and “aliveness” comes down to these fundamental choices:
- Curate Your Information Feed: This is about limiting negative influences. As the book Stolen Focus* by Johann Hari reminds us, our attention is our most valuable resource. We must deliberately choose where we get our news and how often we consume it.
- Choose Where You Put Your Focus: How much energy is going into work versus the other essential parts of life? Wellbeing, social time, reading (a hugely valuable pursuit), writing, and reflection – these are not luxuries, nor only activities, but rather experiences that contribute to genuine aliveness, and bring joy to life.
- Lean Into Learning: For those of us wired to be creative (like my fellow Enneagram Fours), one must lean into learning opportunities—whether it’s a new skill or a deep dive into self-understanding, and be willing to face hard conversations, and get to resolution on the other side, one aspect of what truly nourishes life.
- Assess What Balance is For You: It has to be said that one must account for our time, and reflect not only on what gives us fulfillment, but also what we must let go of – the things that sap our energy and actually cost us joy. (See my article on Leaky Energy.)
I am often accused of overthinking, but I would counter this criticism with the certainty that I know my reflection threshold, when I’m putting energy into ‘thinking’ and ‘being,’ that serves me or does not. My goal isn’t to be stuck in rumination, but to use reflection as the tool that helps me clarify my purpose and move forward with intention.
It all comes back to my friend booking that extra week in Australia. She didn’t just add a trip to a list; she added life to her life.
What is the one intentional choice you could make today to start living your life by design?